Tag Archives: shared living

Going to College with a Disability

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by Eva Sweeney, Hannah Langlie, Julie McGinnity and GimpGirl Community

Transitioning from adolescence to college (or university) life is scary at times for most students. However, being a college student with a disability definitely comes with its own unique challenges. This article explores many of the common pitfalls experienced by students, and how individuals successfully addressed these barriers.

Although high schools in some countries (such as the United States) are required to assist young adults with disabilities transitioning to a successful adulthood, many of these programs aren’t designed for a transition to college. These programs are often built around the false assumptions that disabled students are not going to attend college, or have aspirations beyond menial jobs and living at home (or in a group home). These programs are also staffed by adult, able-bodied professionals who do not have first-hand experience with living as a disabled person, and role models who have experience are rarely introduced.

As a high school student, these well-meaning programs can be a tremendously disempowering experience. Individual needs can get lost in a sea of bureaucracy and paperwork, and are often not addressed in meaningful ways. The system is not designed to give students all the tools needed to take charge of their lives and truly live independently.

Not surprisingly, in the United States only 53% of students with disabilities have completed a degree or vocational program, as opposed to 64% of their nondisabled peers (Cole, pg. 2). Students with disabilities don’t finish for many reasons, including lack of educational programs, not having access to funding, problems with coordinating support services like personal care attendants (PCAs) and medical care, unexpected medical complications, geographical access barriers like snow or long commutes, and physical access barriers like inaccessible classrooms or student housing.

We have put together a list of helpful tips for navigating the confusing landscape of college life. These tips are taken from our own experiences, as women with various disabilities, and should in no way be taken to represent all access needs. Eva attended a small, liberal arts college in Los Angeles. She uses a wheelchair to get around and speaks with a letter board since she is non-verbal. Hannah is currently a third-year college student in Seattle studying journalism. She uses a power chair most of the time and lives on campus. Julie is a master’s degree student studying music, and utilizes Braille and readers.

Balancing Academics and Practical Needs

Managing practical needs (such as personal care or navigating between classes) is critical to succeeding in college, so it is important to know what supports and accommodations are available. It is important to remember that every situation is a little different, depending on your personal needs and the college you choose. The quotes below relate each of our personal experiences.

Coordinating Disability Services

The vast majority of post-secondary schools (in the United States and other countries) have a disability services office that is suppose to coordinate all of the support services and accommodations needed by students to be successful. However, the responsiveness of the staff and quality of the services provided in each disability services office varies widely. We had very different experiences:

“My college’s disability services person was god awful. All my professors trusted me, so when I needed more time for tests, I just took the test in the cafeteria. I also couldn’t stay in the same room since my aide voiced what I’d be spelling out on my letter board and therefore, giving everyone my answers. My professors knew I wouldn’t cheat or copy the test for others. When I was done, I would just drop it off in their office. If I had used disability services, it would have been tons of unnecessary paperwork and time for each test. When I started each semester, I would email my professors and introduce myself. I would briefly explain cerebral palsy and that I would have an aide accompany me to class. I would also troubleshoot any potential issues. For example, my Human Anatomy class did a lot of work handling model bones. I can’t use my hands so instead, my professor would explain where certain bones are in my body. When I took painting, my professor was worried at first about how I would participate. But with an explanation and one or two classes, she quickly got it and I became one of her favorite students.” — Eva

“I choose to meet with each of my professors that I don’t already know before the quarter starts to go over my accommodations. Although I do use disability services, I don’t always use the accommodations for every class, I am able to customize them for what classes I need. Usually, a face-to-face meeting will help offset any anxiety that a professor might have. Because I use dictation software to write most of my papers and tests, I have a similar situation that I can’t be in the class with all of the other students, so sometimes I have to work this out, depending on what the test entails.” — Hannah

“I have always used disability services. Since I don’t have the time or energy to scan my books into accessible formats, I find them useful for this purpose. I have also worked with them to get Braille, which is very important to me. Since the college is obligated to pay for Braille, I prefer to go through them rather than trying to pay for it on my own. I try not to take tests through Disability Services though. It is much easier to arrange to take a test with a reader in a professor’s office or just take the test with the rest of the class.” — Julie

Continue Reading Going to College with a Disability

Hiring Aides

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by Eva Sweeney and GimpGirl Community

Regardless of how many hours you need, finding an aide can be daunting. Aides, personal care assistants, carers and helpers are all titles for people you hire to help you. Some of us just need help getting up in the morning and getting in bed at night. Some of us need twenty-four hour assistance.

In a previous article, we discussed balancing relationships and aides. You need to find someone who can do all the tasks you need, but also respect you. You need to be comfortable with this person in your home. However, getting started on the hiring process can be overwhelming to beginners.

Here’s a list of tips to help you find a good aide:

  • If you’re putting an ad on Craigslist, in your local paper or with local college job boards, consider not only writing what the job entails, but also include a little bit about yourself. This lets people know a little bit about who you are, and if your personality will match. Have people email you rather than call– what they write will tell you a lot. If they just write “I need a job” then you know they’re not particularly interested in working for you. Likewise, if they tell you their whole life story, you should probably avoid interviewing them.

  • Sometimes less experience is better! If you feel confident training someone on how to do tasks, you might consider hiring someone with zero experience. People who have done this work before often have preconceived notions about how to do certain tasks or how to act. You don’t have to “retrain” people who haven’t done the job before.

  • When people email you and sound like a possible candidate, you might want to send them a list of pre-interview questions to answer. Such questions can be, “What about this job appeals to you?” and “Do you have any back problems?” Having this pre-interview definitely weeds out people who won’t be a good fit– and saves you time and energy.

  • Interview, interview, interview! (And interview in-person!) You might consider having another person with you while you interview. This helps you get a second opinion on the interviewee. Even if you work through an agency, it is your right to interview a person before saying yes to them.  You might have to explain to your agency why you would like to interview people before you say yes.  But if you do it in a calm, rational manner agencies are likely to understand.

  • Have a list of questions ready. Questions can range from “Can you lift and do personal care?” to “What are your hobbies?” Preparing questions beforehand makes the interview go smoothly. Asking a potential employee about hobbies might seem weird, but it’s a good way to see what their personality is like and if  they’re a good fit for you.

  • Ask what questions the person may have. If they ask about pay and nothing else, it’s probably not a good sign. If they ask about you or the duties of the job, it shows they’re thinking seriously about the job.

  • Watch them! If they don’t look directly at you or they seem uncomfortable, it’s probably not a good fit. But remember interviews are nerve-wracking, so the person might be a little nervous.  Try to casually talk with the person to see if they open up and relax a little.

  • Outline in detail the duties of the job. This ensures you and the person that you are interviewing that you are both on the same page about what the job entails. Ask if they’re uncomfortable with any aspect of the job.  If so, try to alleviate their concerns.

  • Suggest the person take a day to see if they really want this job. Most people are excited in the interview, but they don’t take the time to consider if they are really fit for the job. This cuts down on people starting work and then later realizing they are not up for it and then leaving.

  • Consider a time commitment. It is reasonable to ask people to stay for 3, 6, or 12 months. This cuts down on the turnaround that is common in these jobs.

  • Possibly do a second interview where you and the person just chat and get to know each other. This shows if you two get along or if they annoy you. If the latter happens it’s probably not wise to hire them.

  • Consider making the first month a trial period for both of you. That way if you don’t find your personalities meshing well, or your new hire doesn’t feel comfortable with any of the tasks, you both can say, “It’s not working out” without feeling like you’re breaking the time commitment.

  • Think about writing a training manual for your new hires. Describe in detail how you would like each task to be performed. When you hire someone, you can email them the manual but remember to say that they don’t have to memorize it.

  • If possible, have one of your past aides help you train your new one. Explaining things in words is great, but having someone show them what to do makes everything go more smoothly. Also for things like lifting, you probably have a limited understanding since you haven’t lifted yourself.

Here is an example of a job posting for hiring an aide:

Title: Live-in Secondary Caregiver (Independent Provider)

Start Date: June 15, 2012

Length of Job: Summer/2.5 Months (approximately)

Wage/Compensation: $XXXX/month (approximately, can vary) + free rent (furnished room) [Note: This could include anything given in exchange for aide services.]

Job Contact: First Name, Email Address

Requirements:

  • I am a relatively quiet, involved, intellectual woman with a physical disability who is highly involved in various community projects. I am also a cultural anthropology student. I will treat you as a capable, equal human being and I expect the same treatment in return. As we will be both working and living together for a period of time, we will need to have compatible personalities. I encourage you to share your unique personality with me in every contact, as it is more important to me than anything else in the hiring process for this particular position.

  • You must be registered as an independent provider through the State of XXXX prior to the start date, and follow-up with required state training sessions in order to get paid. This process can be started after the interview process and should not take long. The process requires a background check, legal identification and authorization to work in the United States. [Note: Licensing requirements differ in different states and countries. If you rely on government funding, be sure to educate yourself on what local process an aide may need to go through in order to get paid.]

  • No other training or experience is required other than the ability (physical and otherwise) and willingness to learn basic caregiving duties.

  • Any gender is welcome to apply.

  • References are required and will be checked.

  • Valid drivers license is preferable, though not explicitly required.

Job Duties:

  • You will be responsible for relatively light caregiving duties on nights and weekends for the duration of the job. Duties generally include: occasional cooking, feeding, and toileting; bedtime routine; overnight monitoring in case of emergency.

  • Even though I am an extremely busy woman, I enjoy getting out of the house every now and then to have fun on the weekends. On these occasions, you would be responsible for getting me dressed and accompanying me on the trip. If you have a valid drivers license, you would be driving my wheelchair accessible minivan.

  • You will also be responsible for emergency backup duties if the regular daytime caregiver is unable to carry out their duties. The regular daytime caregiver is through an agency, so backup duties should be relatively rare as the agency is responsible for finding coverage for those hours.

Note:

Hours and responsibilities are somewhat negotiable, depending on our compatibility and your availability. Even though you would be hired as a live-in caregiver, there are generally long periods of time (up to 4 hours or more at a time during the day) when I will not actively need your help. This would be the perfect situation for someone who needs to take summer classes, or has an internship or day job during the week. Hours can be slightly adjusted to accommodate such schedules, and you will have plenty of time to study or meet friends for a meal in between duties. Any adjustments may affect your compensation.

Even if you have lots of experience, hiring an aide is always a gamble. Some working relationships work out wonderfully, and others don’t. Learning to manage aides is a process, and we all have negative experiences along the way. Hopefully these tips will guide you through getting started on the process.

Lets hear from you! Do you have any have any great tips on how to hire an aide or an experience you’d like to share?

Balancing Relationships

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This article was originally posted on Yahoo! Accessibility.

In our previous article, Caregivers and Relationships, we gave a very broad overview of managing paid caregivers and various other relationships. Relationships are more than just managing caregivers and other people in your life. In long-term romantic relationships, particularly, there are many factors involved in creating a healthy and safe emotional space to help the relationship to continue. People with disabilities have long been unfairly characterized as being a burden to society, and this characterization carries over into any relationship where there is an expectation of equality. Even individuals themselves struggle to find their own worth and sense of equality within this relationship dynamic.

Everyone has different needs, regardless of disability or ability, and everyone must figure out how to meet their needs and those of their partner in different ways. Unlike the notion of equality, where everything is equal, we prefer the notion of equity, the idea that everyone in a relationship be given fair access to meet their particular and different needs.

Long-term relationships take a lot of work under the most ideal circumstances, and people with disabilities are often beset with complications that are less than ideal. Even with the support of a paid caregiver (or other assistance outside of your relationship specifically for disability accommodations), your partner will probably end up in a position of being a caregiver at some point. Paid caregivers may not show up for shifts or do their job correctly at times. Many of us rely on our emergency support network (including our partners) to get through problem periods and staffing issues. How do we go about keeping our relationships healthy and balanced when one or both (or more) partners has particular needs related to their disability? Our GimpGirl Community members got together and compiled a list of personal suggestions based on what they have learned in the course of their relationships.

Open and Honest Communication

Being open and honest in terms of how we communicate with a partner might seem obvious, but it bears repeating. The importance of communication is noted in every contemporary article written about healthy relationships for good reason. However, when there are additional requirements by one member of the relationship, communication becomes crucial. Everyone in a relationship has to be able to express their concerns and needs, and have those respected by their partner, but more importantly they have to feel that it is safe to do so.

Not only are people with disabilities often socialized to not speak up for themselves, in an effort to “lessen the burden” they place on those around them, but when our partners are put in the role of being a caregiver, they can have feelings of guilt when asserting their own needs. Needs arising because of a disability can often be more immediately obvious, but they should not necessarily be seen as requiring priority. And they may not be as obvious as the person in need might think. Fundamentally, if the person in the role of the caregiver does not assert their own needs in balance with the needs of their partner, the potential for unnecessary resentment is always present. One of the greatest dangers stems from differing expectations and a sense that someone should know something that has not actually been said or explicitly stated. No one should be expected to have to guess what their partner needs or feels.

A simple example of this dynamic: a person with a physical disability really needs help going to the bathroom and their paid caregiver has left for the day. They ask their partner for help, not knowing that they both really need to go to the bathroom at the same moment. Ideally, a brief discussion would be initiated wherein both decide who gets priority in that particular situation. This situation may seem silly, but it is a really common one that arises. Situations like this often can lead to feelings of resentment if not dealt with in the moment through open communication. The most simple, taken-for-granted, assumptions often lead to the greatest conflict. And when one takes the time to acknowledge the needs of others, even when wanting to take priority, there is the greatest chance for open dialogue and sharing.

Sharing and listening to each person’s views on disability and caretaking, and how the views have formed can clear up a lot of the misunderstandings that stem from being confused and hurt by unexpected reactions. This is especially true for friends or romantic partners who come from different backgrounds or experiences in growing up. Plan to have this conversation intentionally at a time that works for both or all of you, and feel free to repeat as necessary.

Another really important conversation to have relates to what protocol to follow when stress levels are high, or you are upset with each other. A couple needs to know how to communicate when there is anger or frustration. When complications arise of any sort, both individuals need to know how to ask for their needs in that moment. If you are in the middle of a fight with each other, and one of you needs help with something that’s really important in the moment (again, like going to the bathroom), how will that be handled in a way that is fair to both of you? What should someone do if they need space, and how will you handle any emergency needs in order to respect that person’s space? How will you support the needs of your partner when you are also frustrated or in distress? These are all questions that can be answered, and should be addressed before the situation arises in order to maintain balance within the relationship.

Getting Support

Everyone needs support, and no one is capable of independently handling everything life throws at them. We all live within the massive support structure that is our culture and society.  Whichever member of a relationship has a special need, sooner or later both partners will need assistance and support from paid professional caregivers, and emotional support such as counselors or friends. Getting meaningful input, support and an external perspective from others is vital in keeping a healthy balance in all relationships. One important thing to remember in relationships where disability is involved is that ideally these outside supports should be peers or professionals who have experience with this type of situation. Too often people who have no experience with this type of situation have extreme biases that do not reflect the reality of the lived experience that those of us with disabilities have.

It is still a commonly held view in society that people with disabilities are a greater burden than others. Even if someone does not say this overtly, it is so pervasive a thought that it influences the opinions of many as to what is happening within your relationship dynamic. Most people will see the person with the most apparent disability as the greatest receiver of effort and energy in the relationship, even though that may not be the case at all. Everyone has both needs to be met and assets to share in a relationship. Just because someone has a very obvious physical or social need, such as requiring help going to the bathroom, or functioning in a social situation, does not mean that they do not more than make up for what they appear to lack in some other part of the relationship, perhaps in their financial sense, wit, insight and wisdom, compassion and humor, or skills with non-physical or social contexts.

Perspective

Physical help is often the most overt form of assistance one might require, but the support lent by both people must be understood and honored to maintain a healthy balance within the relationship. This is even important for the person with greater apparent needs. It can help him or her with self esteem and related issues that often stem from viewing him or herself as constantly receiving and not contributing to the relationship in equitable proportion. It is important to remember that this is a commonly held societal view, even when not promoted by those in a relationship. Most people with disabilities are steeped in this mindset if they are raised with a disability, and have been taught to believe that they are always the recipient of charity.

Keeping a relationship balanced requires that we strive to maintain a perspective regarding the help that both parties provide, and the beneficial impact of that balance on the quality of life for everyone. Human relationships are complex, and all healthy relationships require a balance of give and take. Collectively discussing what energy each of you is putting into the relationship and how you both add to a healthy balance will help keep perspective in the long run.

Mindfulness

Try to be mindful of the impact that physical states have on mental and emotional health. The fallout from stress caused by crabbiness from pain or exhaustion can have unintended and very intense side effects for both people, and your own frustration borne of discomfort can have unintended consequences. Also be mindful of panic triggers2 that both people have.

If there is a stretch of time where any partner has greater needs than usual, or has reduced outside support for those needs, be mindful of how that additional stress is affecting others, whether they are directly acting as a caregiver or not. Be gentle with each other. Life and love can be hard enough without any complications. Nobody is perfect or should expect perfection in another human being.

Conclusion

How are these thoughts different from any recommendations for a healthy relationship? There is little difference. Relationships are always as fraught with challenges as they are with joys. However, people with disabilities are often socialized to think of themselves as being a burden and taught to not speak up for themselves. Also, because of the complications involved in managing accommodations and services, both people with disabilities and those around them can put too much emphasis on those needs. Everyone has needs and countless successful relationships have proven that those needs can be balanced when everyone understands the strengths of the individuals involved.

What has your experience been? Are there any lessons you would add to this list?

Footnotes:

1 Caregivers (also called carers or personal care assistants) perform many different duties depending on what is needed by an individual. For people with physical disabilities, this can include help with “daily living activities” (DLAs) such as bathing, dressing, and eating, as well as help with cleaning the house and getting to medical appointments. For people with other types of disabilities (though the individual may be called something different depending on the situation), the needs are very open-ended, and can extend to whatever a person needs to engage with the world to the greatest extent possible.  Ideally, as we have written about in previous posts, the caregiver (or other type of assistant) is predominantly an individual who is not in any other type of relationship with the person they are employed to support. However, complications arise when a romantic partner is the primary caregiver for their partner.

2 A trigger is something that causes an emotional reaction in someone. A trigger can be a touch, a sound, certain words, behaviors, or any number of events or situations which cause someone to either recall traumatic memories or just react with panic or some other emotional response. Sometimes people know that they have triggers, and sometimes they do not. However, learning what your triggers are and those of your partner can be profoundly illuminating.

Caregivers and Relationships

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This article was originally posted on Yahoo! Accessibility.

The most common question we hear from younger women with disabilities is how to manage paid caregivers (also called personal care attendants or carers) in the context of some type of relationship. Often this working relationship happens in the same home that family, housemates and romantic partners also live in. How do you maintain your close, personal relationships while managing a paid caregiver full or part time? Keep in mind the following observations are not from professionals, but collective perspective of a group of women with disabilities who have had a lot of personal experience balancing caregivers and relationships.

There have been several books written on this subject, but often the key to finding the answer is simple: You, the adult receiving caregiving services, are the boss that must manage your working relationship with your caregiver in a professional manner. We are not advocating you treat your caregiver poorly — far from it! A clear, pleasant, professional relationship will benefit you both in the long run.

However, it is important that you familiarize yourself with your rights and responsibilities both with your government and any other agencies that might be involved. Beyond rights and responsibilities, defining and enforcing the professional boundaries of your relationship with your caregiver is entirely up to you! Not your caregiver, parents (if over the local age of consent), partner, spouse, agency or housemate — you. Developing the skills to communicate with your caregiver will allow you to guide this working relationship.

The following sections build on each other. What is true for making one situation work is often still applicable for other situations. We recommend you read the entire article in order.

Friends and Housemates

Living in a home with unrelated housemates or friends is probably one of the easiest situations in which to manage the balance between managing paid caregivers and personal relationships. Generally, you and your housemate will have separate “households” (occupied space, and financial and other personal responsibilities) and shared spaces would be areas such as kitchens, laundry facilities, and bathrooms. You may also share a bedroom with separate beds, and this does add some privacy challenges (which we’ll address later on under “Spouses or Romantic Partners”).

In this situation, as long as your housemate knows that a caregiver will be present in the home, your main concern is going to be agreeing on a schedule for shared spaces that you can all stick to. This may seem too rigid for some, but tempers quickly flare when these shared resources are not available when needed. Imagine that you and your caregiver are working together to get you showered (a task that can take over an hour) and your housemate has 30 minutes to get out the door to work. You are probably going to have a pretty grumpy housemate on your hands who feels that he/she is being disrespected.

Schedules also need to be flexible at times. What if you have a hot date and need to wash your favorite outfit the day your housemate usually does her/his laundry? Just be sure to ask for a change as soon as you know one is needed. The same goes for your housemate too. Respect goes both ways!

You will both also need to agree on how shared resources are handled. Is food and laundry soap shared or separated? Whatever you agree on, be sure your caregiver is well informed and respects the boundaries you and your housemate have agreed to. If you do decide to separate resources, try labeling things to make it crystal clear what your caregiver can and can’t use. This will reduce stress on both your relationship with your housemate and your caregiver. Remember that, to your caregiver, your house is a foreign environment and no one has the ability to recall every single detail they are told. If mistakes still happen, ask your caregiver to check with you before using any product.

If any other concern comes up between your housemate and you, deal with it at the time and be sure to make the newly agreed upon boundaries clear to your caregiver as soon as possible (as well as any new caregiver you work with). Again, you will need to take control of managing your caregiver as their behavior and adherence to boundaries reflects upon you in the eyes of your housemate.

Family

What if you live with your family of origin? The following observations predominantly refer to adults receiving caregiving services as parents are still legally responsible for your care until the local age of consent (18 in the United States). Ideally, parents will encourage their children with disabilities to start taking over responsibility for managing caregivers after they reach at least age 15 so that the child is prepared for independence as an adult.

Some people with disabilities continue to live with their parents or siblings as adults, or circumstances force them to move back in to family homes some time later in life. This situation can often lead to conflicts that mainly stem from a lack of clarity about boundaries in your personal relationships with your family (on top of all the issues with housemates mentioned above).

When continuing to live with your family of origin past the age of consent, a major shift in the relationship should ideally happen when you reach the age of consent — you should start taking full responsibility for your services, finances, and life in general, and your parents should not only let you do so but encourage you to do so. In other words, you are now an adult and should both view yourself as one and others should view you as one as well.

This is a huge shift for parents who have raised you from birth and for you who has been their child for many years, and it often causes conflict that affects your ability to effectively manage your caregiver in a way that works for you. Also, you are still living in someone else’s house (unless your name is on the lease as well) and to some degree you still need to follow general rules that your family has set for their property or rented space. This does not mean that they have the right or responsibility to tell your caregiver what to do or in any way manage your caregiver for you. Like anywhere you live, you need to communicate the rules of the property to your caregiver and make sure that they are followed.

Some people rely on a parent or relative as their caregiver, full or part time (for personal reasons, such as living in a rural area, health reasons etc.). In this situation, you should still be able to own your decisions independently (such as having management over your life and finances) as an adult in order to maintain a healthy relationship with your family. Communication and mutual understanding and respect is important. You must be able to ask a family member if you would prefer them to do a task an alternative way or tell them if you are uncomfortable with something. Again, the choices must be yours.

Another concern that comes up in this situation stems from a lack of clarity about who your caregiver reports to. It needs to be made clear that your caregiver reports to you and not your family. An example: You request that your caregiver wait out in the other room while you and your partner have sex. Your caregiver is highly uncomfortable with this request for their own personal reasons, and tells your family what you are doing. This action on his/her part is both a highly unprofessional violation of your privacy as an adult and potentially illegal depending on the situation.

Spouses or Romantic Partners

Living (and sharing a bedroom) with some type of romantic or sexual partner shares a lot of functional similarities with living with a housemate, only the bedroom also becomes a shared space and the personal relationship you are balancing has added complications and privacy issues. However, you still need to discuss all of the same boundaries, house rules, responsibilities and schedule with your partner, and then communicate those to your caregiver.

Keep in mind that unless caregivers are paid privately, they are probably not allowed to do any household tasks or provide assistance for your partner, or any other member of your household.
The division of household chores and responsibilities, such as laundry, cooking, cleaning, finances, and other concerns, should be discussed in advance among household members, so that everyone knows who is responsible for a particular household task. Asking caregivers to do more than they are being paid for leads to an awkward working relationship and potentially the loss of a caregiver.

The discussion with your partner also needs to include a frank conversation about privacy concerns. Some questions to consider together: Are you going to schedule your caregiver hours so you can have regular alone time with your partner? What boundaries are you going to communicate with your caregiver if they happen to arrive while you and your partner are still in bed or undressed? If you have 24 hour caregiver services, how will you handle setting boundaries with them when you and your partner want to have sex or just talk by yourselves? If your partner is still responsible for some part of your personal care, how are you going to arrange for them to have his/her own private mental health time if it is requested?

A note: Even though there are many people who act as a caregiver for their partner with a disability, we do not recommend that you solely rely on your partner as your primary caregiver if at all possible. It not only is incredibly stressful on your partner and your relationship, but it forces you both in to a dual relationship that gets very frustrating. In a working relationship with a caregiver, you can ask for your care and household duties to be done the way you want, at the schedule that works for you because you are managing the caregiver and they are there solely to assist you. If a caregiver doesn’t work with you in a way you like, you can fairly easily find a different caregiver to work with. Treating your partner this way often leads to conflict because there is generally an expectation of equality in your relationship. Your caregiver can also deal with potentially unpleasant personal care tasks that you’d rather your partner not be responsible for. Working with a separate caregiver gives you your own mental health time and more authority over your own life. Additionally, over time this dual relationship can lead to a shift in how your partner and you view each other, your sex life, and your relationship.

Conclusion

This is nowhere near an exhaustive discussion of balancing caregivers and personal relationships, but is meant as a summary of commonly heard concerns and our collective, unprofessional opinions on these issues. Remember: Balancing your life and managing your caregiver and personal relationships is up to you, the person with the disability receiving care.

Can you think of other related issues or concerns? Have an opinion or story to share? Feel free to comment below!